A side thought on Part 3

I had assumed this blog was lost to the world. Its only recently become somewhat of a recovery confession box so to speak. I noticed today that there was a view count and that people are actually reading this shameful account of my darkest moments. I dont know whom has read this regardless i'll write till my story has been told completely. My hope is that writing it all down will help me to understand so that i might avoid creating the same mistakes over and over again!

The Rabbit Hole- Heroin Diaries part 3

Its been a while. Ive sat down so many times trying to make sense of the wonderland i got lost in. Ive sat in front of this blank screen for hours struggling with shame and recovery. I've been told recovery happens a day at a time but some days its minutes at a time.Perhaps however that is best left for the end of my tale. I promised that this would be the truth from start to finsih and i believe i was somewhere near phoenix. We started having problems that september around the same time J was diagnosed with pretty advanced MS. He got a little bit more distant everyday. The paralysis came and although it was temporary i watched his spirit die a little every day while i hooked up his iv and sponged bathed the man i loved at the age of 24 and 26. I worked 60 hours a week took care of J and served on the pta and managed to pick up a second job working extra odd hours. But with every added stress and activity came more pain and more stress and more drugs. J became emotionally abusive at first when he didnt need me he would culture me with lonliness refusing to speak to me for days at a time or cutting off all my contact with the world. I grasped on so tightly to the unraveling strings of my life so tightly but when i opened my hand it was empty like i was trying to catch smoke. He didnt start hitting me until we came home to portland. And it was never directly. The more abuse there was the more drugs i consumed. My final memory of j was the last day we spent living together. He started to yell at me about going to the store and i just walked out of the bedroom crushed five or six fifteen mg oxy railed them and went back out to face the music. I made the mistake of sassing him back when he told me to go up the stree to the store i was behind him on the couch in just enough of an opiate daze he grabbed me by the troat straight up over the couch and onto the middle of the living room floor. He squeezed harder and harder and in the moment when i knew i would die all i could say was his name. It was barley a whisper from my lips. He let go as i passed out when i came to he was back on the couch with a playstation controler in his hand he put it down slowly came over to me put one hand on my neck and whispered into my ear.
     "remember that i could kill you with one fucking hand" He threw a wad of cash at me and i dodged out the door went to the store and came back crushed another hundred mg of oxy and got into the shower. I was trying to wash off the fresh brusises on my neck i never even heard him get in. My face slammed against the tile and i tasted the blood in my mouth. He raped me twice but i felt nothing. He let me crumple onto the shower floor and i sat there until the water got cold got out and went to bed. He was sweet and wonderful for a week after that but we died that day on the living room floor and in the shower. I packed up mia and we ran, never looking back but at the same time not dealing with any of it especially my growing addiction that within the next six months would go from oxy to coke to heroin...


Hmm besides my amazing best friend that is the first time that memory has become real and valid and spoken. Part of recovery at least for me is confronting the memories of horror that i allowed to happen. The tradgedy that lead to my drug abuse. Justin was part of that tragedy. That best friend who was my light in a dark place for so long hates the memory of him, I would perhaps do it again if i hadnt had Mia. Those stretches of happy were so amazingly intense that the sad and abuse was almost bearable if i could just hope tomorrow we would be okay. I learned self respect out of the disrespect i endured, i learned that drugs kill even the strongest of love and that if i dont love myself and take good care of me, i simply will never be able to do it for anyone else. I got clean seven months ago today...until next time:)

The lost adventures- Heroin diares part two

I've struggled with the right inspiration for the right words. With my brain going from inspired to writers block in a matter of minutes sometimes. Trying to remember the twisted path ive taken is like remembering a dream hours after ive woken. Reading and re reading journals trying to patch together the last few years and analyze how they've lead to this place. Sometimes my muse has been less healthier than others. Leaving off at the beggining of the rabbit hole is as fine as any other place to continue...

At first Arizona was a breth of air that filled my very soul with joy. I was with J and basking in the sunshine everyday another adventure, every kiss oozing of passion. If i got homesick and ready to roadtrip back to my safe place close to family and familiarity J learned quickly a good dose would bring me back to his arms. These violent delights however have violent ends he would soon discover that my growing addiction would be the only thing in my life i would hold on to tighter than him.
I have a shoe box filled with our adventures and looking through them it occurs to me i have very little memory of the actuall experieces. Much like the photos my memory is only a snap shot. I remember being there but those first months are again so much like a dream. Like all things that seem too good to be true, just as i was blindsighted by the joy i was equally smacked with a landslide of dark reality


I struggled with a balance between abuse and medicating chronic pain for a very long time. That balance was (in hindsight) for a very long time completely dependant on "J" When we were great i could make the meds last but as things began to unravel more of them went up my nose and they became a way to not just medicate pain but to escape the growing heartbreak phoenix and my partner was becoming.

I moved to phoenix in the spring of 2010. We were blissful, even through hardship life was easy and we seemed to be able to overcome anything together. He gave me a feelng of euphoria everytime he entered a room that never seemed to fade. Every obstacle put before us was smashed with an overwhelming vigor. it seemed our love could conquer anything. Anything that is excecpt my urge to abuse my meds as the stress of our situation incresed. I used in front of J for a long time or made him aware of my use/abuse. Then came the shame and i began to hide, at the same time i began to fall more in love with the ritual of "fixing". The more i worked the more my body stressed and the amount of paini was in became hard to balance in conjuction with the amount of meds i was being presdcribed.

We may have pulled through all this with my ability to focus like a force of nature and his usually unfailing suppport. Fate hadn't planned it as such. In september J was diagnosed with MS, he would become paralyzed from the waist down less than one month later. My rock and my hard place was demolished along with his ability to walk, medicate, and even complete the basic tasks of living for himself.

half the woman i once was: the Heroin diaries part one

I'll bank on no one reading this and spit it. Im weighing in at just over 130 literally half the woman i once was but before you congrats me let me spit this the first piece of the story. So if your the last survivor of this lost and forgotten blog, heres my warning: Turn back now or choose to desecate my memory with this mad tale of debachuary. The rawest thing ive ever had to ponder back on and certianly the rawest ive ever by far been honest enough to post publicly. Maybe outing the madness within leaves me accountable.

Weight loss and a healthyier life physically and mentally was the goal. I wanted to be a better woman, mother and wife. Everything about my life felt bland and origonal. I can tell you with complete certianty that the lapsed time has been anything but. Everyday for the last few years has been either robustly filled with overwhelming joy and a euphoric clairity or the other end of that dream pool. However the trouble with extreams is the other side of that coin. The bad days where horrid with an unexplainable feeling only someone who has been where ive been.

The easiest way to explain this is to preface it with this: Two years ago i felt trapped in many ways but the easiest one to give a face to the largest of many was the body i felt like i was a prisoner to. For the first time in a vary long time i'd conquered that. Most days i looked in the mirror and a beautiful woman looked back at me. I felt like i could take on the world, and i tried to. I ran away with a lover, played with abandon and lost myself in the pleasures of life. I went to work in a place that dosed me with adrenaline and i felt like i was truely changing the world. working with people that i seemed to have a gift for understanding. Everyday was an adveture and my balance it seemed was in a mind blowingly perfect harmony. The clouds rolll in que thunder music and all that dramatic scence setting crap...I get into the first accident its horrible but ive recovered from worse, the second accident happens and days later im cliped by a car. The month after a car accident. Each time the body that id strived for, with strength and endurance became a little weaker. within a year im seeing an accupuncturist, deep presure massage and a pharmacy to manage pain.
I promised this was going to be the truth even if its intense to admit..I found out (from someone whom in hindsight was never a real friend) that the quickness of the fade of the pain and the fraction of the medication was about the route. She crushed the first oxy (then it was percocet the cleaner version Oxycodone came later) handed me the straw and told me it was fine everyone does it if they tell you don’t they're liars. So i did it and as soon as that powder was in my nose i was sold. I didnt give a shit what she had to say about it, swallowing them felt like a tragic waste. Some addicts have a love affair with the needle, i would simply fall in love with this route it felt clean and discrete. The same way I’d done meth all those years ago. I found that any knowledge of this “new and improved” route of medication was not socially acceptable. Shame was the only thing i feared, i had it together and i was taking less than prescribed, at first.

I ran from Portland searching for adventure, I went to phoenix. Now the most important factors in my decision to abandon everything and flee to phoenix where two things: My original drug of choice...J, ( considering the "slander" that will eventually ensue we'll just call him J as i did for 12 years) and the absurd easy acess to pain medication: oxy and the availability of health insurance. I got to run away from my problems bask in the sun and i had been given a second license to take the pain medication that i was quickly learning to abuse! Id discovered twice or more than a regular dose for all explanation purposes got me higher than i knew i could get. "High" doesnt quite fit the bill for this though, the closest i can describe to someone who hasn’t used is, clairity. Or at least it felt that way to me. Without pain and a partner to wrecklessly adventure with i got lost in the sheer pleasure of the world in every sense...it would seem that all was lost. I had no idea how deep the rabbit hole would go but wonderland was about to get seriously dark.

Accidental progress??

So we've finally arrived in Portland to stay. Packed good healthy food for the road trip out and had a great visit with my sister and her family on the way. I was shocked to find a few days after arriving in Portland that the scale reads tat i am in the 180's and while this seemed a perfectly good excuse not to go to the gym perhaps its just the right time to hit it hard while my body is in weight loss mode. Most of my life I've found that stress causes weight gain however as of recent I've been a little stressed and the weight seems to just be melting away. Rather that poke around to figure it out I'll just gladly accept the ease into the 180's ans hopefully straight on down to 140!! ( my Target goal) There are 6 months to summer and my goal is 45 lbs and a stronger more toned body. ( While learning some yummy Tosca Reneo recipes along the way. Ready set SLIM.....

A Year Away...

Ive been away from the gym for a year. Mostly maintained my weight but have lost the beginnings of the new body i worked so hard for. My diet is poor and am a stranger to the gym once again. This week im making an effort to go to the gym three times! And keep a food log. in the coming days i am going to build a diet and begin tracking and keeping my measurements again. And since I have more or less maintained my weight i feel like I'm at a good starting point. More to come on this new re-alignment of lifestyle! Ready Set Slim!

Stress and weight managment

I have had a Topsy turvy month one that the details of which i am not so inclined to go into but am more interested in telling you about the effects of taking a diet and exercise out of a carefully balanced life. I've moved and had some very large life changes and that i suppose effected my recient 6 pound gain :( So for the past three days ive kicked up the exersize and abstained from carbs completely and am happy to tell you that ive lost the six i gained and an additional 4 on top of that bringing me just under the 190 mark at 189! A weight i have not been since just after i had my daughter.

From all this ive leared that keeping food that is good for you stocked up all the time is important and making time for te gym or what ever exersize you have at your disposal must be a priority. just because your mind is pre occupied doesnt mean your body stops needing activity and good fuel.

hopefully my updates will be more frequent:) see you soon fellow bloggers

waist not want not

I've been having great results in these past two months, from a size 16 to a 12! I like shopping again, i'm not sure if that one is good or bad. I am going to see my trainer this week hopefully she will be satisfied with my progress since she has been on maternity leave. See you soon and thanks so much for all your feed back on my last post.

J

anxiety and an appetite

In years past Ive been known to get unprompted anxiety in the winter maybe its the lack of the sun or all the rain in Portland, or perhaps its just me. I choose not to take medication for this and have found other means and tools to work my way through hard days. In any event with anxiety seems to come a lack of appetite. And while i have been trying to consume a responsible amount of food i fail to get enough most of these past few days. Now while right now this is leading to accelerated weight loss i fear for my new happy metabolism that thrives on 1500 calories a day and at present I'm consuming only about 900. At an astounding 193 pounds I am grateful for such results but at the same time am in pursuit of a healthy lifestyle and unintentional food deprivation was not among the approved course of action. Advice anyone?

right through the 90's

I was at the gym tonight and at my customary weigh in (that hasn't been taking place due to my lack for being at the gym this past week) i stepped onto the scale at 194, bringing my grand total to 49 lbs!! hopefully cruising right through the 190's will become a trend for the 180's! I also this week took an interest in family exercise, i liked this article because it has a handy graph that details what kind of people need what kinds of exercise and how much hope you enjoy!

http://www.babyzone.com/mom_dad/fitness_nutrition/article/family-exercise-guidelines

Thanks for all the support.


J

Sweet sucess

Ive been in the "zone" as my friend calls it, eating less carbohydrates and more lean meats and lots of vegetables and fruits, i feel great and am still loosing weight and gaining muscles. And for the first time in years i am under 200 pounds sitting right at 199! Which meas i am more than half way to my end goal and have lost a total of 44 pounds and 37.75 inches! I am not on a particular diet although I've looked at many i find that learning to build your own long term diet that works is important, some eat clean diet (mostly actually i swear by this diet but retraining your pallate is a big challenge) a bit of the zone diet and a bit of common sense. Fad diets cause people to more often yoyo in weight which to me seems worse than just being heavy to begin with. Nothing works for everyone, there is no magic diet and although it may take extra time to do it the healty way at a few pounds a week i couldn't be more satisfied with the results!

Above are my before and current pictures they inspire me to take my self for walks and frequent the gym and most importantly fuel myself with the right things so that i can thrive. I hope they are some kind of visual of my journey, and of my continued success to come.

See you again soon.

Jillian

loss and acupreassure

I went to the gym tonight and hopped on the scale not to focused on results but more hoping to maintain my recent lb loss. only to find that not only had i not gained it back but had lost another pound and a half! I'm steady at 201.5 and keeping my fingers crossed for my rather shocking but welcome metabolism boost! On a more intense note i have been having some serious muscle pain in the upper left thigh were i have been growing a considerable amount more of muscle. According to Google and yahoo answers research "growing pains" can occur in an adult when your muscles have a spurt of growth and these "growing pains" can come and go much like my sporadic leg pain has. I have been engaging in muscle acupressure at home for some much needed relief of my sore muscles. Hopefully i will see you again soon with more good news of the 100's!

Update

I just finished my 3 day carb fast and the results were very satisfying. I went from 208 to 204 hopefully the next four pounds will come off just as quickly. :)

72 hour metabolism boost

Being kind of a lame-o I've not entirely stuck to my diet this past two weeks. I got my monthlys about 3 and a half weeks ago and it lasted 21 days, i was naturally by week two bloated cranky and irritated that it was lasting so long. My kitchen doesn't carry any bad choices but my diet lacked balance and we ate out for soup a few times and mostly just tried not to do to much damage. Vowing that if my period ever ended I would get back on track. I'm at 208 lbs.

I was talking to a friend at work who hit a plateau in her weight loss and she stopped eating carbs. of any kind except the ones n fruit and veggies. So i am going to give it a try. 72 hours of no carbs just lots of protein, fruit, vegetables and water. Lets see what happens. with any luck it will boost my metabolism and jump start me to the 100's !!! I will be back on Thursday with the update. Wish me luck:)

The weight loss flip book

These are some of my pictures. I wanted to make a flip book with them so when i was thin i could look at it and see the succession of my weight loss. There are many more pictures that show the places it all came off more accurately however those feature me in my underwear and bra and i would be happy to share them with some of you but not with the world wide web. And since i am about the the half way point of my weight loss goal i thought this would be a great way to review progress. Hope you like it.

Muscles and a word to the weary

Me today. One month ago.

Ive been at the gym 7 months now consistently im down 1 more pound this week and i am just starting to show signs of biceps and muscle definition. I am proud of my little muscles and my rather hard strong legs they were hard work to come by and there were moments were i walked back to my car from leaving the gym wishing i could go in this way and come out 2 hours later that way. I kept truckin on and eventually it started to show. Coming from an almost 250 with a 44 percent body fat is a hard place there is so much fat layered over your muscles underneath it seems like they aren't really there at all.

I wanted to find the magic combo that made the pounds fall off and my bikini body ready for the beach. I think instead i found this lifestyle that keeps me energized and on a track to healthy. i wanted to find the formula of sucess and share it with all of you so that we could all be comfortable in the bodies we desire. Instead here are my findings so far that i have to share:

Health is not something to be atained but a lifestyle to learn. much like all the things you learn in school you have to practice a healthy lifestyle and sometimes you still get it wrong from time to time, it doesnt mean you cant do it it just means you have to practice harder. Food, its everywere, you ahve to make choices on what you decided to fuel your body with. KNOW WHATS IN YOUR FOOD. Read labels ask questions eat as much unprocessed food as you can...drink water lots of it. 90% of the weight loss process is driven by what kind of food you eat, keep track of it so you can not just think but know what your eating. And finally live everyone has a day when they need a cookie dont deny your self the treat every now and then.


More reciently ive had friends that are frustrated with their own qwest for health, wellness or weight loss i can say this of my own experience, when your frustrated with results bare through it tweak your diet move around more. Not getting results doesnt feel good but quiting all together feels much worse.

Broken but not defeated

So i found out more reciently that my bathroom scale is 8 pounds light, that was a sad day. I stopped logging food a while back. It seemed like it was repetitive motion and i was writing the same thing every day. Now that its been a few weeks since i stopped I don't have any logs to look back at but maybe my diet is not properly balanced. I picked up a food diary today and am keeping a log on the refrigerator so every time i open it to get something out i can log it. Hopefully the logging will make my food choices more aparent or keep me on track better. Still at 208 this is a frustrating weight maybe with a little more hard work i can get past it.

Is it broken or am i wonderful?

I lost 5 pounds last week which is almost too good to be true but it was accurate. I weighted in this morning for the week and i am another 4 lbs smaller? Does my scale work right? Am i an even 201, which is fantastic considering how hard i've been working to get under 200. I am in search of another scale today to find an accurate result, we shall see and i will be back with the update.

To be continued...................

Staying on the wagon

Lifestyle changes are always hard sometimes harder than others but mostly for me it has been a comfort to know that what i am doing is good for me and usually quite tasty. Now more reciently i have found its easier to come up with reasons not to go to the gym and a little sweet is easy to look past right. So I've decided its all or nothing, too far in to go back now and really who would want to. Im staying on the band wagon.

8/27/08 Update:

Measurements today...im down almost another 3 inches and just under the 210 mark at 205. And the totals...drumroll please....38 pounds and 30.75 inches. :) Those were a rough three pounds! Hopfully the next few will slide off a little easier, but i have to say all those missng inches make for a great victory this week!

Confidence and employment Part II

As requested an update to my fantastic job interview. I got a call this morning and was offered the job. We must've been quite the sight dancing around the living room (David, Mia and I). And i found that just the knowledge of a job can't acquire it because to obtain it we must project an image of success. And surely we'll find what were looking for. I know i did! Here's to many more victories.