Tuesday, May 15, 2012

The lost adventures- Heroin diares part two

I've struggled with the right inspiration for the right words. With my brain going from inspired to writers block in a matter of minutes sometimes. Trying to remember the twisted path ive taken is like remembering a dream hours after ive woken. Reading and re reading journals trying to patch together the last few years and analyze how they've lead to this place. Sometimes my muse has been less healthier than others. Leaving off at the beggining of the rabbit hole is as fine as any other place to continue...

At first Arizona was a breth of air that filled my very soul with joy. I was with J and basking in the sunshine everyday another adventure, every kiss oozing of passion. If i got homesick and ready to roadtrip back to my safe place close to family and familiarity J learned quickly a good dose would bring me back to his arms. These violent delights however have violent ends he would soon discover that my growing addiction would be the only thing in my life i would hold on to tighter than him.
I have a shoe box filled with our adventures and looking through them it occurs to me i have very little memory of the actuall experieces. Much like the photos my memory is only a snap shot. I remember being there but those first months are again so much like a dream. Like all things that seem too good to be true, just as i was blindsighted by the joy i was equally smacked with a landslide of dark reality

I struggled with a balance between abuse and medicating chronic pain for a very long time. That balance was (in hindsight) for a very long time completely dependant on "J" When we were great i could make the meds last but as things began to unravel more of them went up my nose and they became a way to not just medicate pain but to escape the growing heartbreak phoenix and my partner was becoming.

I moved to phoenix in the spring of 2010. We were blissful, even through hardship life was easy and we seemed to be able to overcome anything together. He gave me a feelng of euphoria everytime he entered a room that never seemed to fade. Every obstacle put before us was smashed with an overwhelming vigor. it seemed our love could conquer anything. Anything that is excecpt my urge to abuse my meds as the stress of our situation incresed. I used in front of J for a long time or made him aware of my use/abuse. Then came the shame and i began to hide, at the same time i began to fall more in love with the ritual of "fixing". The more i worked the more my body stressed and the amount of paini was in became hard to balance in conjuction with the amount of meds i was being presdcribed.

We may have pulled through all this with my ability to focus like a force of nature and his usually unfailing suppport. Fate hadn't planned it as such. In september J was diagnosed with MS, he would become paralyzed from the waist down less than one month later. My rock and my hard place was demolished along with his ability to walk, medicate, and even complete the basic tasks of living for himself.

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