Friday, April 27, 2012

half the woman i once was: the Heroin diaries part one

I'll bank on no one reading this and spit it. Im weighing in at just over 130 literally half the woman i once was but before you congrats me let me spit this the first piece of the story. So if your the last survivor of this lost and forgotten blog, heres my warning: Turn back now or choose to desecate my memory with this mad tale of debachuary. The rawest thing ive ever had to ponder back on and certianly the rawest ive ever by far been honest enough to post publicly. Maybe outing the madness within leaves me accountable.

Weight loss and a healthyier life physically and mentally was the goal. I wanted to be a better woman, mother and wife. Everything about my life felt bland and origonal. I can tell you with complete certianty that the lapsed time has been anything but. Everyday for the last few years has been either robustly filled with overwhelming joy and a euphoric clairity or the other end of that dream pool. However the trouble with extreams is the other side of that coin. The bad days where horrid with an unexplainable feeling only someone who has been where ive been.

The easiest way to explain this is to preface it with this: Two years ago i felt trapped in many ways but the easiest one to give a face to the largest of many was the body i felt like i was a prisoner to. For the first time in a vary long time i'd conquered that. Most days i looked in the mirror and a beautiful woman looked back at me. I felt like i could take on the world, and i tried to. I ran away with a lover, played with abandon and lost myself in the pleasures of life. I went to work in a place that dosed me with adrenaline and i felt like i was truely changing the world. working with people that i seemed to have a gift for understanding. Everyday was an adveture and my balance it seemed was in a mind blowingly perfect harmony. The clouds rolll in que thunder music and all that dramatic scence setting crap...I get into the first accident its horrible but ive recovered from worse, the second accident happens and days later im cliped by a car. The month after a car accident. Each time the body that id strived for, with strength and endurance became a little weaker. within a year im seeing an accupuncturist, deep presure massage and a pharmacy to manage pain.
I promised this was going to be the truth even if its intense to admit..I found out (from someone whom in hindsight was never a real friend) that the quickness of the fade of the pain and the fraction of the medication was about the route. She crushed the first oxy (then it was percocet the cleaner version Oxycodone came later) handed me the straw and told me it was fine everyone does it if they tell you don’t they're liars. So i did it and as soon as that powder was in my nose i was sold. I didnt give a shit what she had to say about it, swallowing them felt like a tragic waste. Some addicts have a love affair with the needle, i would simply fall in love with this route it felt clean and discrete. The same way I’d done meth all those years ago. I found that any knowledge of this “new and improved” route of medication was not socially acceptable. Shame was the only thing i feared, i had it together and i was taking less than prescribed, at first.

I ran from Portland searching for adventure, I went to phoenix. Now the most important factors in my decision to abandon everything and flee to phoenix where two things: My original drug of choice...J, ( considering the "slander" that will eventually ensue we'll just call him J as i did for 12 years) and the absurd easy acess to pain medication: oxy and the availability of health insurance. I got to run away from my problems bask in the sun and i had been given a second license to take the pain medication that i was quickly learning to abuse! Id discovered twice or more than a regular dose for all explanation purposes got me higher than i knew i could get. "High" doesnt quite fit the bill for this though, the closest i can describe to someone who hasn’t used is, clairity. Or at least it felt that way to me. Without pain and a partner to wrecklessly adventure with i got lost in the sheer pleasure of the world in every would seem that all was lost. I had no idea how deep the rabbit hole would go but wonderland was about to get seriously dark.

No comments: