half the woman i once was: the Heroin diaries part one

I'll bank on no one reading this and spit it. Im weighing in at just over 130 literally half the woman i once was but before you congrats me let me spit this the first piece of the story. So if your the last survivor of this lost and forgotten blog, heres my warning: Turn back now or choose to desecate my memory with this mad tale of debachuary. The rawest thing ive ever had to ponder back on and certianly the rawest ive ever by far been honest enough to post publicly. Maybe outing the madness within leaves me accountable.

Weight loss and a healthyier life physically and mentally was the goal. I wanted to be a better woman, mother and wife. Everything about my life felt bland and origonal. I can tell you with complete certianty that the lapsed time has been anything but. Everyday for the last few years has been either robustly filled with overwhelming joy and a euphoric clairity or the other end of that dream pool. However the trouble with extreams is the other side of that coin. The bad days where horrid with an unexplainable feeling only someone who has been where ive been.

The easiest way to explain this is to preface it with this: Two years ago i felt trapped in many ways but the easiest one to give a face to the largest of many was the body i felt like i was a prisoner to. For the first time in a vary long time i'd conquered that. Most days i looked in the mirror and a beautiful woman looked back at me. I felt like i could take on the world, and i tried to. I ran away with a lover, played with abandon and lost myself in the pleasures of life. I went to work in a place that dosed me with adrenaline and i felt like i was truely changing the world. working with people that i seemed to have a gift for understanding. Everyday was an adveture and my balance it seemed was in a mind blowingly perfect harmony. The clouds rolll in que thunder music and all that dramatic scence setting crap...I get into the first accident its horrible but ive recovered from worse, the second accident happens and days later im cliped by a car. The month after a car accident. Each time the body that id strived for, with strength and endurance became a little weaker. within a year im seeing an accupuncturist, deep presure massage and a pharmacy to manage pain.
I promised this was going to be the truth even if its intense to admit..I found out (from someone whom in hindsight was never a real friend) that the quickness of the fade of the pain and the fraction of the medication was about the route. She crushed the first oxy (then it was percocet the cleaner version Oxycodone came later) handed me the straw and told me it was fine everyone does it if they tell you don’t they're liars. So i did it and as soon as that powder was in my nose i was sold. I didnt give a shit what she had to say about it, swallowing them felt like a tragic waste. Some addicts have a love affair with the needle, i would simply fall in love with this route it felt clean and discrete. The same way I’d done meth all those years ago. I found that any knowledge of this “new and improved” route of medication was not socially acceptable. Shame was the only thing i feared, i had it together and i was taking less than prescribed, at first.

I ran from Portland searching for adventure, I went to phoenix. Now the most important factors in my decision to abandon everything and flee to phoenix where two things: My original drug of choice...J, ( considering the "slander" that will eventually ensue we'll just call him J as i did for 12 years) and the absurd easy acess to pain medication: oxy and the availability of health insurance. I got to run away from my problems bask in the sun and i had been given a second license to take the pain medication that i was quickly learning to abuse! Id discovered twice or more than a regular dose for all explanation purposes got me higher than i knew i could get. "High" doesnt quite fit the bill for this though, the closest i can describe to someone who hasn’t used is, clairity. Or at least it felt that way to me. Without pain and a partner to wrecklessly adventure with i got lost in the sheer pleasure of the world in every sense...it would seem that all was lost. I had no idea how deep the rabbit hole would go but wonderland was about to get seriously dark.

Accidental progress??

So we've finally arrived in Portland to stay. Packed good healthy food for the road trip out and had a great visit with my sister and her family on the way. I was shocked to find a few days after arriving in Portland that the scale reads tat i am in the 180's and while this seemed a perfectly good excuse not to go to the gym perhaps its just the right time to hit it hard while my body is in weight loss mode. Most of my life I've found that stress causes weight gain however as of recent I've been a little stressed and the weight seems to just be melting away. Rather that poke around to figure it out I'll just gladly accept the ease into the 180's ans hopefully straight on down to 140!! ( my Target goal) There are 6 months to summer and my goal is 45 lbs and a stronger more toned body. ( While learning some yummy Tosca Reneo recipes along the way. Ready set SLIM.....

A Year Away...

Ive been away from the gym for a year. Mostly maintained my weight but have lost the beginnings of the new body i worked so hard for. My diet is poor and am a stranger to the gym once again. This week im making an effort to go to the gym three times! And keep a food log. in the coming days i am going to build a diet and begin tracking and keeping my measurements again. And since I have more or less maintained my weight i feel like I'm at a good starting point. More to come on this new re-alignment of lifestyle! Ready Set Slim!

Stress and weight managment

I have had a Topsy turvy month one that the details of which i am not so inclined to go into but am more interested in telling you about the effects of taking a diet and exercise out of a carefully balanced life. I've moved and had some very large life changes and that i suppose effected my recient 6 pound gain :( So for the past three days ive kicked up the exersize and abstained from carbs completely and am happy to tell you that ive lost the six i gained and an additional 4 on top of that bringing me just under the 190 mark at 189! A weight i have not been since just after i had my daughter.

From all this ive leared that keeping food that is good for you stocked up all the time is important and making time for te gym or what ever exersize you have at your disposal must be a priority. just because your mind is pre occupied doesnt mean your body stops needing activity and good fuel.

hopefully my updates will be more frequent:) see you soon fellow bloggers

waist not want not

I've been having great results in these past two months, from a size 16 to a 12! I like shopping again, i'm not sure if that one is good or bad. I am going to see my trainer this week hopefully she will be satisfied with my progress since she has been on maternity leave. See you soon and thanks so much for all your feed back on my last post.

J

anxiety and an appetite

In years past Ive been known to get unprompted anxiety in the winter maybe its the lack of the sun or all the rain in Portland, or perhaps its just me. I choose not to take medication for this and have found other means and tools to work my way through hard days. In any event with anxiety seems to come a lack of appetite. And while i have been trying to consume a responsible amount of food i fail to get enough most of these past few days. Now while right now this is leading to accelerated weight loss i fear for my new happy metabolism that thrives on 1500 calories a day and at present I'm consuming only about 900. At an astounding 193 pounds I am grateful for such results but at the same time am in pursuit of a healthy lifestyle and unintentional food deprivation was not among the approved course of action. Advice anyone?

right through the 90's

I was at the gym tonight and at my customary weigh in (that hasn't been taking place due to my lack for being at the gym this past week) i stepped onto the scale at 194, bringing my grand total to 49 lbs!! hopefully cruising right through the 190's will become a trend for the 180's! I also this week took an interest in family exercise, i liked this article because it has a handy graph that details what kind of people need what kinds of exercise and how much hope you enjoy!

http://www.babyzone.com/mom_dad/fitness_nutrition/article/family-exercise-guidelines

Thanks for all the support.


J

Sweet sucess

Ive been in the "zone" as my friend calls it, eating less carbohydrates and more lean meats and lots of vegetables and fruits, i feel great and am still loosing weight and gaining muscles. And for the first time in years i am under 200 pounds sitting right at 199! Which meas i am more than half way to my end goal and have lost a total of 44 pounds and 37.75 inches! I am not on a particular diet although I've looked at many i find that learning to build your own long term diet that works is important, some eat clean diet (mostly actually i swear by this diet but retraining your pallate is a big challenge) a bit of the zone diet and a bit of common sense. Fad diets cause people to more often yoyo in weight which to me seems worse than just being heavy to begin with. Nothing works for everyone, there is no magic diet and although it may take extra time to do it the healty way at a few pounds a week i couldn't be more satisfied with the results!

Above are my before and current pictures they inspire me to take my self for walks and frequent the gym and most importantly fuel myself with the right things so that i can thrive. I hope they are some kind of visual of my journey, and of my continued success to come.

See you again soon.

Jillian

loss and acupreassure

I went to the gym tonight and hopped on the scale not to focused on results but more hoping to maintain my recent lb loss. only to find that not only had i not gained it back but had lost another pound and a half! I'm steady at 201.5 and keeping my fingers crossed for my rather shocking but welcome metabolism boost! On a more intense note i have been having some serious muscle pain in the upper left thigh were i have been growing a considerable amount more of muscle. According to Google and yahoo answers research "growing pains" can occur in an adult when your muscles have a spurt of growth and these "growing pains" can come and go much like my sporadic leg pain has. I have been engaging in muscle acupressure at home for some much needed relief of my sore muscles. Hopefully i will see you again soon with more good news of the 100's!

Update

I just finished my 3 day carb fast and the results were very satisfying. I went from 208 to 204 hopefully the next four pounds will come off just as quickly. :)

72 hour metabolism boost

Being kind of a lame-o I've not entirely stuck to my diet this past two weeks. I got my monthlys about 3 and a half weeks ago and it lasted 21 days, i was naturally by week two bloated cranky and irritated that it was lasting so long. My kitchen doesn't carry any bad choices but my diet lacked balance and we ate out for soup a few times and mostly just tried not to do to much damage. Vowing that if my period ever ended I would get back on track. I'm at 208 lbs.

I was talking to a friend at work who hit a plateau in her weight loss and she stopped eating carbs. of any kind except the ones n fruit and veggies. So i am going to give it a try. 72 hours of no carbs just lots of protein, fruit, vegetables and water. Lets see what happens. with any luck it will boost my metabolism and jump start me to the 100's !!! I will be back on Thursday with the update. Wish me luck:)

The weight loss flip book

These are some of my pictures. I wanted to make a flip book with them so when i was thin i could look at it and see the succession of my weight loss. There are many more pictures that show the places it all came off more accurately however those feature me in my underwear and bra and i would be happy to share them with some of you but not with the world wide web. And since i am about the the half way point of my weight loss goal i thought this would be a great way to review progress. Hope you like it.

Muscles and a word to the weary

Me today. One month ago.

Ive been at the gym 7 months now consistently im down 1 more pound this week and i am just starting to show signs of biceps and muscle definition. I am proud of my little muscles and my rather hard strong legs they were hard work to come by and there were moments were i walked back to my car from leaving the gym wishing i could go in this way and come out 2 hours later that way. I kept truckin on and eventually it started to show. Coming from an almost 250 with a 44 percent body fat is a hard place there is so much fat layered over your muscles underneath it seems like they aren't really there at all.

I wanted to find the magic combo that made the pounds fall off and my bikini body ready for the beach. I think instead i found this lifestyle that keeps me energized and on a track to healthy. i wanted to find the formula of sucess and share it with all of you so that we could all be comfortable in the bodies we desire. Instead here are my findings so far that i have to share:

Health is not something to be atained but a lifestyle to learn. much like all the things you learn in school you have to practice a healthy lifestyle and sometimes you still get it wrong from time to time, it doesnt mean you cant do it it just means you have to practice harder. Food, its everywere, you ahve to make choices on what you decided to fuel your body with. KNOW WHATS IN YOUR FOOD. Read labels ask questions eat as much unprocessed food as you can...drink water lots of it. 90% of the weight loss process is driven by what kind of food you eat, keep track of it so you can not just think but know what your eating. And finally live everyone has a day when they need a cookie dont deny your self the treat every now and then.


More reciently ive had friends that are frustrated with their own qwest for health, wellness or weight loss i can say this of my own experience, when your frustrated with results bare through it tweak your diet move around more. Not getting results doesnt feel good but quiting all together feels much worse.

Broken but not defeated

So i found out more reciently that my bathroom scale is 8 pounds light, that was a sad day. I stopped logging food a while back. It seemed like it was repetitive motion and i was writing the same thing every day. Now that its been a few weeks since i stopped I don't have any logs to look back at but maybe my diet is not properly balanced. I picked up a food diary today and am keeping a log on the refrigerator so every time i open it to get something out i can log it. Hopefully the logging will make my food choices more aparent or keep me on track better. Still at 208 this is a frustrating weight maybe with a little more hard work i can get past it.

Is it broken or am i wonderful?

I lost 5 pounds last week which is almost too good to be true but it was accurate. I weighted in this morning for the week and i am another 4 lbs smaller? Does my scale work right? Am i an even 201, which is fantastic considering how hard i've been working to get under 200. I am in search of another scale today to find an accurate result, we shall see and i will be back with the update.

To be continued...................

Staying on the wagon

Lifestyle changes are always hard sometimes harder than others but mostly for me it has been a comfort to know that what i am doing is good for me and usually quite tasty. Now more reciently i have found its easier to come up with reasons not to go to the gym and a little sweet is easy to look past right. So I've decided its all or nothing, too far in to go back now and really who would want to. Im staying on the band wagon.

8/27/08 Update:

Measurements today...im down almost another 3 inches and just under the 210 mark at 205. And the totals...drumroll please....38 pounds and 30.75 inches. :) Those were a rough three pounds! Hopfully the next few will slide off a little easier, but i have to say all those missng inches make for a great victory this week!

Confidence and employment Part II

As requested an update to my fantastic job interview. I got a call this morning and was offered the job. We must've been quite the sight dancing around the living room (David, Mia and I). And i found that just the knowledge of a job can't acquire it because to obtain it we must project an image of success. And surely we'll find what were looking for. I know i did! Here's to many more victories.

Living room work-outs

On a not so nice night in august i decided not to bear the weather to the gym as i don't see so well in rain at night when i am driving. So i pulled every work out that can be done without a machine and turned my living room upside down into my own personal gym. My sucess was great and i have opted to "work out" here on the nights that i don't go to the gym. ( which is every other day) This will bring my muscle and strength training to 7 days a week. Pay no mind to my irritated look as i am not used to photographs at random, David caught me of guard.

Maybe next time i could put the television on a really boring channel and then the gym simulation would be complete.

P.S. Confidence and employment part two coming soon!!

Confidence and employment

I've reciently found that the two are really connected. i went to a job interview this morning adorned in my new much smaller pants (a 14! when i once was an almost 22) and a happy disposition. I didn't notice the new confidence i have had in myself until the woman who was interviewing me said "you are very sure of your self it's so refreshing!" Maybe its all connected weight loss, confidence, balanced diet and the like. Needless to say the interview went very well and i'll find out the extent of my success on Monday! Wish me luck.

Patients for progress (Part II)

My frustration at the scale mounted into a drive for a leaner diet and more exercise. I'm sure barging up the side of a mountain and dragging myself up the rapids at the river 25 times helped as well. As of 8-1-08 I was sitting at 215 and it seemed i would need a good push of something to move on from it. I didn't know what to do so i ran a little harder on the mill and ate a little less and wallah. In the last 13 days i have lost 5.75 inches and 5 pounds. Bringing the total since Christmas of 07 to 33 pounds and an amazing 28.25 inches. To which my encouraging mother remarked 28 inches is like a whole waist! Hoping that determination and hard work will provide more results than ever. Health for my self is a great aspiration and the weight loss process seems to only make me healthier with each pound lost, but also i hope to be an encouragement to someone who feels hopeless like there is no hope for change. At one point i had no hope for change and now with each every day that i feel better i know now that a healthy long life is a dream within grasp.